Commitment and Carl Jung

 Accept that a relationship is here to make you conscious instead of happy.

More and more men I work with raise the question: why should I commit to one relationship, after all? Not surprisingly, this question mainly arises in situations where the relationship presents difficulties or certain emotional pains.

As I mature, I understand that the ultimate goal of partnership in my life is to help me transform into the best version of myself, not necessarily always to make me happy.

I don't know of any couple that doesn't experience challenges, doubts, moments of wanting to escape, fatigue, weariness, etc. It's naive to think that your own relationship can escape these challenges. Just look at our relationship with ourselves – even we are not always liking ourselves, moments of doubt, weariness, and anger can appear from time to time in the face of the self.

Partnership involves sharing life with another person, and life is full of such challenges. Therefore, assume that the purpose of a relationship system isn't to avoid difficulties or to make everything joyful all the time, but rather to lead to a deep transformation within ourselves – from a self-centered individual to a loving person who sacrifices for the other out of love.

Okay, love is important, but why commitment?

Carl Jung argued that marriage (commitment in the face of the world, God, or institution) is essentially meant to be a container, a vessel that can hold an immense amount of heat capable of transforming you from the inside. I feel that the most significant changes in my life have occurred during very "hot" moments, moments when reality was so intense that I had to change my actions and myself.

The container Jung speaks of is the commitment between partners. What prevents me from simply getting up and leaving when we encounter difficulties in our relationship? When I get tired? Add to that the overwhelming influence of the outside world, the constant thought of "maybe there's someone else out there who's better for me," and suddenly we've devised a perfect escape plan from growth and development.

Ironically, commitment (and it's indeed a significant matter whom we choose to commit to and why, but that's a topic for another post) – when you've already made the choice, and you're "stuck" with your partner, that's when you can ask the question, "What can I do to make things better for us?" You take personal responsibility and start fixing things.

Many people I work with struggle to enter into commitment for this reason. They encounter difficulty within the realm of partnership, and instead of committing to navigate it together and coming out the other side more connected, they choose to disconnect and search for a different victim.

There's no way to know that this is the relationship that will succeed in going through the other side of the tunnel before committing, before gambling and giving your all in faith that this time it will work.